I really want to say there is something wrong with me. I can’t seem to find comfort these last few days. I just wrote a book in Bali, for Pete’s sake… alongside thirty or so of the most amazing souls in the universe, who now I consider my soul tribe. You'd think I'd still be on cloud nine. Nevertheless, I am uncomfortable in my being at this moment in time. All of the soul work I have done and continue to do has taught me that there is nothing wrong with me. Instead, it is my thoughts that are wrong. That annoying voice in the back of my mind is always judging everything, every second of every day. Survival patterns are a bitch.
Thoughts become things, whispers become bricks, etc. Quite frankly, it is overwhelming at times and sometimes thinking positively all the time—rather, being consciously aware of my thoughts and adjusting them accordingly is down-right daunting. Doing something about it means I have to first identify and then face whatever it is that is causing me discomfort, or discontent.
When I admire those for living abundantly in their mindful awareness I wonder how long it took them to get that way. I feel like Deepak Chopra was actually born that way—living in a constant state of bliss and total grace. But, I would be naïve in actually believing that. What I understand to be true is that for one to achieve that level of grace one must connect to the Divine through meditation and prayer on the regular and surround oneself with other likeminded individuals. I have made big efforts toward realizing living an awakened life and have experienced many moments of grace and even a few moments of bliss. But even the likes of great spiritual thinkers are not always perfectly in alignment every second of the day. We are still spiritual beings having a human experience after all.
I met Deepak last year, he was so calm and fully present. I’d also met Wayne Dyer a few years ago and he also, was a being of such peaceful energy. These beings are not just gifted with this miraculous presence, both have stated that it is acquired through conscious effort, devotion, and perseverance. I remember hearing a lecture by Deepak where he said he meditates several hours each day. That level of dedication has to be partially, if not, wholly reliant upon a divine source 24/7/365.
I so want that. I need it. It is my intention to get there sooner rather than later. Alas, I also realize that my meditation practice is weak and lacking the depth of commitment it requires to reach the higher consciousness I so increasingly desire. Meditation is hard, which is why many people just don’t even try to do it. It’s not just the act of sitting in silence that’s hard, it’s the uncomfortable silence where some of your worst thoughts emerge. But, it is also an effective way to let go of those thoughts by acknowledging them, thanking them, and saying goodbye to them for they no longer serve you. That connection with Spirit is what clears the way allowing us to become our best self. But the work has to be done nonetheless. No one else can do it for you. You can read all the books and blogs and social media posts on enlightenment you want and the only way to get there is by doing the work, yourself. So, I again remind myself:
<My Meditation = My Best Self>
Through meditation I am reminded that I am not separate from Spirit— I never really am, I just forget because it’s utterly human not to remember who we really are.
Why do we resist meditating when we need it the most? It’s not even the go-to excuse of not having the time. You know what I’m talking about. It’s very similar to wanting to lose weight and knowing exactly what you need to do and how to do it, but not having the motivation to actually begin. We put it off until tomorrow, or next Monday, as if that is the magical day of beginnings. I can only speak for myself. I struggle because I seek something that is mindfully numbing, such as my favorite television shows, and a glass of wine, depending on the hour, always sounds pleasing to my senses. Even a good book can be a form of distraction, not to mention social media. It is just so much easier to numb out than it is to sit down with your soul and flush out the bad thoughts and welcome the good stuff, what I like to call “the God stuff”. Anyone who practices regular meditation will tell you that the more challenging it feels to actually meditate, the more you actually need to meditate.
I am currently writing this post as a reminder to myself that my comfort lays within me and it is available at any given time. I need only get still and connect with it. I KNOW, it really is easier said than done but it is more than worth the effort because the benefits are ultimately endless and spread to those you encounter.
Before leaving the writing workshop in Bali, our facilitator, Mastin Kipp, instructed us to record a video on our cell phone that is a message from our best self to our struggling, unmotivated, scared self. It was difficult at first but then I began by speaking to my frightened, uncomfortable self from a place of love, patience, and forgiveness—as if I were speaking to, well, myself. This was my inner peace and knowing speaking—but more than that, I recognize it as the Divine within me speaking to my human self. I appreciate this beautiful gift, as corny and cheesy as it may sound, it truly is a remarkable expression of self-care, self-compassion, and self-love. As Mastin says, this is not about being selfish, instead, it is being self-ish. We must first tend to ourselves before we can be of service to others.
So here I am at the end of my rant and I have found my motivation to go sit and meditate; already, I am back on the path to feeling comfortable in my being. I like to imagine the Divine is reaching a hand out to me asking me to come sit for a while.
I invite you to give it a whirl. If you are new to meditation, guided meditations are excellent at helping you focus your intention. I personally enjoy the Calm app (Apple Store or Google Play). My favorite is the Ananda app (www.chopraananda.com, Apple Store or Google Play), you can customize your meditation with music and specific mantras; however, there are many other apps, videos, CD’s, and streams available online. Find something that appeals to you and get started. As my personal trainer tells me, just get to the gym and do something, anything, for five minutes. If it sucks, at least you tried. Generally, five minutes turns into an hour and I feel better than ever.
Cheers to never giving up and never giving in!